what do you do when the passion has cooled and the reason for love has almost faded from memory? How many times do we try to resuscitate the passion, and when do we have to accept it really truly is gone and it is time to move on?
I am really surprised at how similar the passion one can have for another human being can mirror the passion a scientist has for their dreams. These dreams are what drive scientists to put there life blood into a project for many years of their life and really are amazingly similar to being in love.
I just got back from a two day work retreat in saitama which was really just a "team building" exercise. The point is to pull the work group out of the normal environment, lock them up in a remote hotel where they HAVE to interact with each other, and then to provide several team related activities or talks to get people thinking about the team and to think differently about the work. The point is to "shake up" the team (to create a bit of insecurity) and then to provide some positive experience (drinking and games usually) to strengthen bonds in the hope of forming a stronger team-spirit and maybe stimulate some new clever ideas. But these sorts of exercises can work in several ways. It can either revitalize the team-spirit, or it can "wake up" people to bigger problems with the team.
In those two days I had some fun with some of my work friends. But I also had some serious discussions about women-in-science issues. We had a bit of story swapping. It is somewhat surprising how similar some of our stories are. But for me this retreat was another reminder of my fading passion for science.
As with any relationship, when we get near the end, we often think about the beginning. How did it start? Science is about passion and dreams. What was it about science that attracted me to it in the first place? The funny thing, is that looking back, I am not 100% certain anymore.
But I can feel something is a bit different now. Sure it is an ok job, but I can tell the passion is almost completely gone.
I guess the question now is, can I find the spark which started that passion and re-kindle that fire? Or is it really the end.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
novelty
When is something novelty and when is it genuine desire and attraction?
This seems to come up in so many aspects of life from work to relationships to music and fashion. People have a natural curiosity about them. I think it is something a bit left over from our primitive ancestors. If a group is all excited about something, we all naturally flock over to "see what is going on". We see it everywhere. But now that I am seriously DJing it is becoming very clear.
I have had a lot of friends want to see my DJ, but many have only come once. Most of these friends I have meet either at work or through some non-clubbing social network. They are genuinely surprised that I am a DJ and I think are just curious. I also enjoy clubbing a lot and going to other DJ's events. Of course being a western girl in a Tokyo club, I get hit on all the time. When I tell these guys I am a DJ, sometimes they actually come to one of my next parties. But again this feels like a mix of curiosity and maybe hoping for....
But, to have someone hear my DJ and then want to come to my next party, that is completely different. I am slowly getting there. I am meeting more DJs or regular party people who hear me play, and then tell me after that they really loved my DJ play. I don't have a following yet, but I can feel it slowly starting to happen.
But I am definitely "one of the DJs" now. This is good. I am no longer a curiosity for the event organizers or other DJs. But I can also see now that I have exhausted the novelty factor with my non-clubbing friends. It cuts both ways.
Novelty phase is ending .... Next phase begins.
This seems to come up in so many aspects of life from work to relationships to music and fashion. People have a natural curiosity about them. I think it is something a bit left over from our primitive ancestors. If a group is all excited about something, we all naturally flock over to "see what is going on". We see it everywhere. But now that I am seriously DJing it is becoming very clear.
I have had a lot of friends want to see my DJ, but many have only come once. Most of these friends I have meet either at work or through some non-clubbing social network. They are genuinely surprised that I am a DJ and I think are just curious. I also enjoy clubbing a lot and going to other DJ's events. Of course being a western girl in a Tokyo club, I get hit on all the time. When I tell these guys I am a DJ, sometimes they actually come to one of my next parties. But again this feels like a mix of curiosity and maybe hoping for....
But, to have someone hear my DJ and then want to come to my next party, that is completely different. I am slowly getting there. I am meeting more DJs or regular party people who hear me play, and then tell me after that they really loved my DJ play. I don't have a following yet, but I can feel it slowly starting to happen.
But I am definitely "one of the DJs" now. This is good. I am no longer a curiosity for the event organizers or other DJs. But I can also see now that I have exhausted the novelty factor with my non-clubbing friends. It cuts both ways.
Novelty phase is ending .... Next phase begins.
Friday, August 19, 2011
engaging in life
It was funny my boss at work made a really strange comment to me last week after I commented about being nervous about a class I will teach in a few weeks. He commented that it is a sign that "you are STARTING to engage in life AGAIN"!?!?! He is such a strange person. Just because I don't love my job, does not mean that I am some depressed, sulking person not "engaged in life". Scientists are such strange people. They live every minute of their life for their science/work and think that everyone working in science should be the same. So even scientists can be quite simple minded people sometimes.
Some people love their work, but that stopped for me quite a few years ago. My boss and coworkers know this. Of course they would love for me to go back to what I was before: some hyper productive worker, producing 5x what everyone else in the group does. But that will not happen again. They try with all sorts of passive aggressive and provocative statements. But my eyes have been opened to the difference between work and life outside of work. I think it is actually more healthy to put just as much energy into ones personal life outside work as the energy one puts into work. Outside work should NOT be some "I am so exhausted from work all I can do is eat, sleep and watch a little tv".
Anyone who truly understands me, actually knows that I am someone who is engaged in life to the fullest. Just another reminder of how much I have changed since coming to Japan and how I am not even close to the person I was 5 or 10 years ago.
Some people love their work, but that stopped for me quite a few years ago. My boss and coworkers know this. Of course they would love for me to go back to what I was before: some hyper productive worker, producing 5x what everyone else in the group does. But that will not happen again. They try with all sorts of passive aggressive and provocative statements. But my eyes have been opened to the difference between work and life outside of work. I think it is actually more healthy to put just as much energy into ones personal life outside work as the energy one puts into work. Outside work should NOT be some "I am so exhausted from work all I can do is eat, sleep and watch a little tv".
Anyone who truly understands me, actually knows that I am someone who is engaged in life to the fullest. Just another reminder of how much I have changed since coming to Japan and how I am not even close to the person I was 5 or 10 years ago.
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