Wow reading back on my posts over the last year, it really was a bit intense this year. But somehow I feel so calm now. Ever since the end of October I have new eyes and attitude. I actually feel OK letting things fall as they may and just voicing my desires. Maybe this is Japan getting into me. I went home for Christmas which was really wonderful, one of the best I've had in years. And returning to Japan I feel so good. I picked up American habits while I was back and needed to relearn my Tokyo street body language, but it only took a few days to get it back. Even hearing Japanese now just sounds so much more natural.
I just feel so motivated right now. To loose weight and really try to look cute. Going back to America I realized how fashionable I have become and how good I could look with a little more focus. I have also started to really get a feel for shopping in Tokyo and finding styles and sizes which fit me. With so many beautiful Japanese women around it can be a little intimidating. But I can see now my own beauty and how I can improve it.
I have also learned that work is what it is. It is about a large group people (both inside the group and outside) interacting. It really is better to be part of the group helping out than worrying about what I think should be done and stressing about not being heard. I can create what is asked and what I think is needed and then the group will determine its value. I think this is the essense of an artist, we create from our heart and hope it is well received. This was really hit home in late October when I won an award for my work at a conference in Kyoto. This being the same work that my colleagues were constantly fighting me on. But I also learned from the conference what the community is really needing (which is maybe half of what I am trying to create). So I am taking a different approach now and pushing the part of my design which is really needed. So what has happened is that I am really starting to build a group of people who support my work now. What a wonderful turn of fortune from flipping my point of view. It seems to be a balance between what is in my heart that I can create, and what other people desire.
So many changes in the coming future. Major work restructuring, budget cuts, slimming. There is a small chance I might not be rehired, but I have strong hope. I am so in love with Japan that I don't want to leave and I am certain I can help the group I am in. I also feel like I may have support.
So I sit here listening to the brand new Ayumi Hamasaki Guilty CD and feel so good about my life and where it will go. So I send a wish to remain in Japan, to create beautiful things, and help my group.
