Dreams

I just found this wonderful quote from Ayumi Hamasaki

To be honest. To be myself. This is easy to say, but difficult to do. Nowadays the world is full of greed and lies, and most people just stand aside avoiding trouble. But some people do strive toward their dreams and try to be themselves. Such people shine and make the rest of us willing to support them.
-- Ayumi Hamasaki

I realize that I have rarely stood aside avoiding trouble. In fact I have usually rushed into trouble. As I learn to temper my passion I must never forget that I must always follow my dreams. And even when I am living my dream, I must always look further and dream some more.

Happy New Year

Wow reading back on my posts over the last year, it really was a bit intense this year. But somehow I feel so calm now. Ever since the end of October I have new eyes and attitude. I actually feel OK letting things fall as they may and just voicing my desires. Maybe this is Japan getting into me. I went home for Christmas which was really wonderful, one of the best I've had in years. And returning to Japan I feel so good. I picked up American habits while I was back and needed to relearn my Tokyo street body language, but it only took a few days to get it back. Even hearing Japanese now just sounds so much more natural.

I just feel so motivated right now. To loose weight and really try to look cute. Going back to America I realized how fashionable I have become and how good I could look with a little more focus. I have also started to really get a feel for shopping in Tokyo and finding styles and sizes which fit me. With so many beautiful Japanese women around it can be a little intimidating. But I can see now my own beauty and how I can improve it.

I have also learned that work is what it is. It is about a large group people (both inside the group and outside) interacting. It really is better to be part of the group helping out than worrying about what I think should be done and stressing about not being heard. I can create what is asked and what I think is needed and then the group will determine its value. I think this is the essense of an artist, we create from our heart and hope it is well received. This was really hit home in late October when I won an award for my work at a conference in Kyoto. This being the same work that my colleagues were constantly fighting me on. But I also learned from the conference what the community is really needing (which is maybe half of what I am trying to create). So I am taking a different approach now and pushing the part of my design which is really needed. So what has happened is that I am really starting to build a group of people who support my work now. What a wonderful turn of fortune from flipping my point of view. It seems to be a balance between what is in my heart that I can create, and what other people desire.

So many changes in the coming future. Major work restructuring, budget cuts, slimming. There is a small chance I might not be rehired, but I have strong hope. I am so in love with Japan that I don't want to leave and I am certain I can help the group I am in. I also feel like I may have support.

So I sit here listening to the brand new Ayumi Hamasaki Guilty CD and feel so good about my life and where it will go. So I send a wish to remain in Japan, to create beautiful things, and help my group.

Perspective 2

So I'm still working on figuring out my perspective. Where are we, where are we going? There are certain people in this world who seem to have a pulse on things that eventually filter to the rest of us several years later. Some of this is just people and politics - power people who shape things and then the product of that will power manifests years later. Some times there are forces at play beyond the control of people and it is the knowledge of those forces and the game plan which are the currency of the power brokers. Sometimes it is a little hard to tell one from the other. The first can be altered, the second can not. I have been following the events of several threads for almost 10 years now. One of the central predicitions is something that was forecast back in 1956 and is referred to as Hubbert's Peak. It is kind of scary how accurate the events around this prediction have been, the Oil wars, the economies, but the one thing that was not predicited was development of our biological knowledge. There is a power player who is always worth keeping an eye on - Craig Venter - the only human to have his personal genome sequenced. His latest venture is a company called Synthetic Genomics. So here we are, without a blink, without a fanfare, here we are. We can create new life - design it like a computer program and manufacture it on an industrial scale. Yes we have been able to do this for 4000 years, first with selective breeding turning grasses into corn and rice and breeding cows to be stupid so that they are easy to herd, and then with gene splicing and GMOs - adding extra bits. But now we can create new life to specification. Fear and power drove us to this inevitable point. It is a brave new world and I sense a lot is going to change very soon.

Perspective

It's late and I need to go to bed, but I also felt a need to follow a thought through. Recent events have shown me a lot about the people around me, and about my self. But I think it is also showing me something about the human condition. We are such a strange species and I have seen similar patterns in America, Europe and now Japan so I am more and more convinced that it is part of the species and not an element of culture. We are so afraid of so many things and that fear drives us on so many levels. And I think the level of fear in the whole world keeps growing each year. As resources get short, as competition increases, as the economies shift and change, everyone seems to be more and more afraid each year, and it seems people are grabbing for power and control more and with less tact. Desperation. When we feel safe and secure we can be so amazing, so inspired and so beautiful a species. But when we get afraid, we can be so cruel. I am so happy to be in Japan right now. The sense of safety and security here is wonderful, and because of that people here are quite amazing. But I also wonder what will happen over the next couple years as the pressures around the world start to push and bend and stress the world economies. It just makes me wonder what my purpose should be and where I should be to realize that purpose. I sense my eyes are starting to clear and I think my true purpose is starting to reveal itself. But after recent events I am more cautious about jumping to conclusions, but I sense something, and something has presented itself. It feels my destiny has really caught up with me and I sense I may final see that I can't escape it anymore. But I should not be afraid of it, afraid of the harm it might cause. I must embrace this destiny, and let it lead where it will and approach each step without fear. Not to block the steps or run away because of fear. And not to push it in a direction out of anger and hurt. A technology is not good or evil, good and evil only exists in the hearts of people and their will to use a technology for an end.

relax and ride

just a short post. In my chat yesterday, I came up with this and thought I'd put it here.

"I need to relax and ride this out
it probably isn't as bad as I think it is..."

Illusion and Construct

I think this must be a big year for me since the coming new year -Samhain- is approaching and I am having lots of thoughts. Last October I made my decision to leave England. This October I sense I am about to make a decision on whether to stay in Science or not. Which brings me to my thought - Illusion and Construct. It seems everyday I am more and more aware of the construct we call reality. What is normally referred to as "world view" or "paradigm". The foundation thoughts that shape our perception. I am also beginning to understand the idea of "crazy". I sense one who looses touch with the construct, who sees it, who steps out of it, is one who is likely to end up homeless, or crazy, or if they are lucky an oracle on the top of a mountain. But I also sense something else. What if someone can step out of the construct within themselves, but embrace the construct on their surface?

Like what I was saying in my last post about Gomi and the Japanese. It seems that the Japanese see all surface as gomi which has not been discarded. Not that it has value now and we realize later that it has outlived its use. But almost deeper. I sense that within the Japanese there is a deep anchor and that everything on the surface, the buildings, the clothing, the western habits, the fashions are all perceived inherently as temporary - as gomi which has not yet outlived its use. Or maybe this is just me, but living here has brought me to this thought so I thank the Japanese for it.

So I see at my work so much false construct, so many half steps. I can see more, I can see deeper. I can see their false assumptions and sense what will happen. And they have me building databases to store the fruits of their labor derived from their false assumptions. But I have come to realize that these assumptions are so deep that it is not a simple matter of "science" to prove my point. When I try to use their science to show them their errors, they think I don't know what I am talking about - or that I am ignorant or crazy. I feel a need to help, to correct, to shift things in the right direction, but NO ONE sees what I see.

So I sense the dream of my life is coming true. I have always believed that I exist to be part of the next paradigm shift. And I think I have come to realize that one can not shift a paradigm by showing them the new one. I think I need to chip and shatter the old. Like every process of rebirth, there is first the decent and then the rise. First the old must be stripped away, to within an inch of obliteration.

I must be the new paradigm on the inside and wear the old paradigm like gomi which has not yet outlived it use.

reflections

Why did I leave Cambridge? Why did I come to Tokyo?
I don't ask these questions out of regret or doubt, but I think this point will show me something about myself. I can't see it yet, but I sense something there.
I am reading William Gibson's Mona Lisa Overdrive and there was an interesting passage I read on the train ride home tonight. I love the synchronicity of my life. I quote and hope Gibson-san does not mind:

Gomi

Thirty-five percent of landmass of Tokyo was built on gomi, on level tracts reclaimed from the Bay through a century's systematic dumping. Gomi, there, was a resource to be managed, to be collected, sorted, carefully plowed under.

London's relationship to gomi was more subtle, more oblique. To Kumiko's eyes, the bulk of the city consisted of gomi, of structure the Japanese economy would long ago have devoured in its relentless hunger for space in which to build. Yet these structures revealed, even to Kumiko, the fabric of time, each wall patched by generations of hands in an ongoing task of restoration. The English valued their gomi in its own right, in a way she only begun to understand; they inhabited it.

Why? I had a very strong chance of getting into Cambridge University if I wanted to. I was working at one of the most prestigous institutes. I was reasonably well respected. But I felt empty. The country was a beautiful green, but the skies were so gray. When it was beautiful, it was unbelievable, but most of the time the weight of the centuries, the institutions, the country, the romans, the struggles, the ghosts, the people was too much. The English inhabit their gomi and their gomi fills them. It was everywhere. In every building, every road, every field, every back garden. But it was also in every single English person. For over 2000years the English have lived in the past. This is why they put so much energy into preserving their history. But oh it is so easy to be swayed by it, by the magnitude of that preservation and that focus. Yes I miss England, but I also know I am not one to live in the past. I know in my soul that the East is both more ancient and more alive, and it will be the future. It is my future.

So I cry a tear, I say goodbye, and I let go.

Time to till the gomi under and build a new.

the good, the bad, and the ugly

So today I had a very good chat with Sensei about some problems at work. He was in a very good mood and listened very well, and asked very good questions. We had a very good discussion. He promised to make some changes, and he understood what I said. A good moment of compromise. This particular path might actually move forward ok. But I also realized that some of the battles of late have drained a bit of my fire for work out of me. I don't quite seem to have the same drive and passion that I had before. But I also seem to have a bit more of a cold calculating air about myself. Similar thing happened at Sanger. I still did lots of work, but I also didn't just race race race. I was ok to let things dangle if people were being obnoxious. I think right now it is the practical side of me that I could code really hard for a week to try to speed up my system, or I could just let it run for the week and process the dataset. I will still do the development, but if the data is processed before the new code is in place, well then I can use it next time. A bit cold and calculating.

But the other side of this is that I am starting to get excited about doing things more outside of work: music, archery and golf. I went to a golf shop today and had them evaluate me to help me choose some clubs. I think I kind of impressed them. I had a group of the pro shop people watching me and encouraging me when I hit a good ball. They also checked my speed and power and a couple times they would make a 'wow' sound. I am too big and strong to fit into the Japanese ladies golf clubs so I will need unisex/mens clubs, and I fit right in the middle. But it also means no 'cheap' clubs. But I guess I am ok finally getting a properly fitted set of semi-professional clubs. They were so professional and did such a good job picking clubs, changing, refining, and so on, by the time we were getting to the end, the clubs were feeling very very good.

I don't want to give up my archery since I really love it and I did so well at it in England, but golf is huge in Japan with so many practice ranges and beautiful golf courses. I am really looking forward to taking a holiday at a nice golf resort in the countryside. So soon I sense I will be buying some golf clubs.

same same

As much as things change they also stay the same. So the things that motivated me to leave England are starting to stare me down again. No place to run, no place to hide. I think it is time I face this and hopefully move on. I do love Japan and I think doing this here will work better for me. I need a PhD to move on with my career and 95% of the process is going to be learning about playing the game someone elses way, subordination. It isn't about right/wrong or clever or even the science most of the time. It is about people and convincing people, and until one gets the credentials one is little more than an apprentice. As a friend said: if an professor thinks he could get his graduate students to pick up his dry cleaning he would.
But the end is that a PhD or any advanced degree is about suffering through a process where one must lean to tolerate people you hate, make alliances with people you don't care for, play the game, be extremely tough on the inside, and realize that you're probably going to break down several times over the course of several years... The advisor holds the cards, he makes up the game and the rules, and he can change it if he wants. Learning to respect authority for the sake of authority. I am such a free spirit this will be interesting.

I think I am settled

Wow it really was a long time since I last posted. I think over the last couple weeks something happened. Maybe it was my Japanese lessons, maybe something else. I'm coming up on my 3 month mark for being in Japan. This last weekend I found a hair salon and had my hair cut. I am really happy with it. I've also been able to find clothes and shoes which fit me. I'm also really getting familiar with Jiyugaoka. I think it's just a sense that even though I know I stand out (being gaijin) I don't feel like I stand out. Maybe it's a small thing, but I've also noticed that on the train people are much more willing to sit next to me than before. The seats next to me would always stay open until the very last. I'm certain it's something in my aura or my confidence. I just feel relaxed. I think maybe I rediscovered my hope.

Feet on the ground

Well I'm in Japan. I landed here last Tuesday (April 17) and have been living out of a hotel room. I'm not sure what to make of everything. I mean it doesn't really feel strange. I feel very comfortable here. I still have a lot to learn in terms of language and I'm sure I've made some mistakes with customs and behaviour, but I'm managing and not getting too many staring looks. I'm getting around ok. I've even squeezed into a couple very full trains already. My eating isn't quite settled yet, but I have no trouble eating big lunches. Dinner is a bit strange since most people eat dinner socially and I still feel a bit odd eating by myself at dinner time. I did discover a sushi box shop at Tsurumi station today. I think I just need to get over the fact of eating take out food in my hotel room. I am walking a lot and I'm feeling much more energetic. I think I'm losing weight too.

I've also had some really good times with my friend Chisato. She took me out for a welcome drink and diner at an English Pub in Kawaski which was really nice. We had a very good time with some laughs. We also saw a movie together the other night (Rocky The Final) which was a really good time.

My apartment application is happening slowly. If all goes well I should have a bank account on Wednesday, and be able to move into the apartment on Friday. Fingers crossed. Doesn't give me much time to get a bed, washing machine and refrigerator, but I also have Golden Week to try to take deliveries. I think I will feel so much better once I'm in an apartment, unpacked, and setting up home.

I'm slowly getting my bearings. I'm just wandering on the ground, letting the wind take me where it will. I've already got a little feel on about 6 train stations (I've explored about one per day).

And the wind has been wild this last week. My hair is not behaving at all. Hopefully I can find a way to tame my hair and make it less frizz ball. I'm feeling a bit Phillis Diller. Especially in comparison to all the beautifully sleek and straight haired Japanese women around me. It's funny of all the things I'm worrying about, it's my hair that has my attention. If that is all I really have to worry about, I'd say things are pretty good :)

I've founds so many wonderful little shops and cafes and spots already and I'm certain there are thousands more to discover.

So here I am, in Japan and it already feels very good. Not bad for my first week.

Poem from my past

So I was cleaning my house, organizing, digging, throwing things away. And I found a small pile of papers in a corner. I opened it up and discovered a time capsule from 1999-2000. I'll probably bring them with. But there was a poem in there that I wrote. I want to share it here so that it doesn't get lost.

Green Chai or Black Chai - by Jessica Severin, June 9, 2000

Does it really matter if it's green or black?
Sitting in A Room of One's Own
All I really wanted was to sit and relax
   in the company of other feminists
To feel their energy
To sit and feel
Not necessarily to talk
Just to sit and feel and listen
What a wonderful place to ground
   to sit and read or write
   and enjoy a cup of the Green Goddess
The week is over
It's time to shed the work self
It's time to unwind and relax
Tomorrow is a home day
   a day after an outdoor fun day
   and a day before a back to work day
Amazing what we do to ourselves
How we stress ourselves
   In the name of prosperity
   In the name of greed
   In the name of success
It's amazing to me that others don't see it
Even those in the counter culture aren't totally immune
At the mention of a potential 6 figures
   even their ear's perk up
   and you see a moment of doubt behind their eyes
Why is it so hard to see the trade offs
   to see why I'd rather make 1/3 of what I could
When we don't work so much we have time
   Time to play
   Time to be introspective
   Time to figure out what we want
   Time to figure out what makes us happy
But then there is the risk
   that we'd figure out
      that what makes us happy is
Sitting in A Room of One's Own
In the company of other feminists
relaxing with a cup of the Green Goddess.

Karmic backbend

It's how I feel these days. My hands and mind are in Japan but my feet are still in Cambridge. Like I'm stretched around the globe. It's similar to how I felt when I came to England. But when I came to England it felt more like I was swimming through the ocean with very little to guide me. Like there was this little light of my soul in England and I needed to swim to it to be whole again. This time it feels graceful. There was a little fear in the beginning but after having visited in January all those fears evaporated. Japan just feels so right.

Some amazing synchronicities have been happening over the last couple weeks. Well my Japanese language teacher in Cambridge used to live in Tokyo. When I showed him the apartment that I wanted he was surprised because that was the street he used to live on. Well he checked his address and the apartments are 1 block (100 meters) away from each other. What are the chances of that. He knew the block very well and gave me lots of advice on the area. I've also seen pictures of the apartment today and it is everything that I had hoped for. The estate agent is going to see if we can apply for the apartment before I arrive.

So I'm basically ready to jump. My cat's relocation is sorted. I've almost got an apartment in Japan. I've nearly reduced my possessions to what will go with me. Just a few loose ends left. And of course I'm waiting for my work visa. That is the key. So here is to hoping and waiting. Good thing I like backbends since I might be here for a couple weeks waiting. Once the Visa is in hand I can kick over and plant my feet in Japan. But all I can do now is wait and continue tying up loose ends.

Nostalgia

I've been running errands today in Cambridge. It's an absolutely amazing day. Spring air, sun, 17C, people with happy faces. I did some clothes shopping and the spring fashions are really wonderful this year. It's going to be hard to buy clothes and shoes in Japan since I'm 5'7" (1.7 meters). It feels a little like the last temptation. I'm realizing that Cambridge is actually pretty nice when the weather is nice and you don't have to work. I think part of it is the fact that nice days are so few and far between that when they happen everything just feels wonderful. Being free from work is such a wonderful liberating feeling. Completely unlike a holiday.

Well it's interesting because I've just read my horoscope and it is so fitting I had to write this post:
It's challenging now to tell the past from the present as your emotions speak to you from the depths of your subconscious mind. You can transform your hidden feelings into constructive actions by first allowing yourself to sink into your fantasies. Then, if any one feels better than the rest, focus on it and gently nudge your life in that direction.

well time to get back to the errands.

私は日本にいきたいです

(I would like to go to Japan) Well it's been a good couple weeks. I had a very good 40th birthday and have been meeting with all my friends to say farewell. I've known a lot of these people over the three years I've been here in England and many of us are starting to unroot and look farther afield. I think science is appealing to people who have a bit of a explorer in them. I guess it makes sense since science is about discovering how the world works. I think I will be able to keep in touch with most of these friends.

I have to admit that this move is so much better than when I left Wisconsin. I think it is because all these friends are expats themselves while everyone I was saying goodbye to in Wisconsin is settled. I still think my bird/tree analogy fits really well. When a child is asked to draw a tree, many will draw a bird in a nest in the tree as if the tree isn't a tree unless it has a nest. But the bird is transient and so is the nest. The tree is stationary. I think those of us who desire to travel or live in other countries are like birds and those who live in the same area they were born in are more like trees. I think some trees feel they need a bird so they hold on tight and try to prevent the bird from flying away. And I think some birds get confused and think they are part of the tree. But birds fly and trees don't. It's really nice to have met other birds :)

I've also sold more things but I've had a setback with my motorbike. I think ebay might be my only option now. I'm running out of time. I think I might have found a way to sell my versaclimber. I have maybe 5 more big things I need to sell/gift. After that I'm down to the precious things which come with me and miscellaneous stuff which can then go in the bin or to charity. I'm going to aim for having the bulk done (or on the way out) by Wednesday and definitely by Friday. I want to make sure every ball is in play by the end of March. My visa paperwork might be done by the end of March so I'm hoping I can go to the Japanese embassy in London the first week of April. Hope hope hope....

Oh I had one amazing synchronicity this last week. I brought several apartment listings with me to my Japanese language class in Cambridge. I wanted to ask my teacher about the prices and terms. I was a bit worried that I was being taken advantage of, but it turns out these are very average for the areas. Well my teacher was reading the one I like the most and he said : wow midorigaoka, I used to live on midorigaoka (street), that is a very nice area, I loved living there. He is going to look up his old address and see how close this apartment (mine hopefully) is to his old place. I mean what are the chances given how huge Tokyo is!! Very cool. Just another sign that this really is the right choice for me.

My Japanese is slowly coming along. I'm about middle in my class, but I've learned a lot. It's a very good class and it would have been fun to carry on with them. I think I'm learning in a balanced way though. I'm remembering my hiragana pretty well and I'm remembering some words and phrases. I was reading through the lyrics of a song by ayumi hamasaki and I was able to able to read most of the hiragana. It is such a wonderful feeling to be able to look at Japanese and be able to see recognizable characters and words. I'm even starting to recognize a few kanji characters. It's hard to describe, but it's an amazing feeling of eureka and joy. I really love learning new things. I think it might be time to get a kanji dictionary. Should be a good way to spend the last of my Borders Bookstore gift money.

So there it is. Another rambling blog entry. I guess it could be worse.

Slow glide

Nothing really happened this last week. It was my second to last week at work and I was mainly focused on trying to put a nice finish on a project. This coming week should be a nice slow glide to Friday and then I say goodbye. I think I've done the best I could given the situation. Some interesting politics happened this week which could completely erase the quality control system that I spent the last 9 months building sigh.... Well I guess it was fortuitous that I found a new job and was already on my way out.

The weather was pretty nice this last week and spring is definitely in the air. I was in London yesterday for shopping and sushi (one of my favorite ways to enjoy London). I found a great spring/summer jacket, a nice skirt and some sandals for summer. Tokyo is supposed to be really hot in the summer, but from what I've read it doesn't sound any worse than Wisconsin summers (90 F with 90% humidity). I'm actually really looking forward to have some hot summers again and seasons. That was one thing about Wisconsin that I've really missed in England. It's funny how one could miss something like that, but I always liked those really hot days. Kind of like being in a sauna :)

Hickups

Well of course just when I thought things were going to go into smooth sailing, the sea starts to get angry. Nothing disastrous but it just looks like March is going to be busy after all. I might need to sell/gift a lot more of my things than I expected. Shipping boxes from England to Japan is very expensive and my budget might be less than I originally thought. I just need to keep slowly pushing on things. I also received more details on what I need to do and there are a lot more details than I expected.

The hardest thing is realizing how much of my stuff that I thought had value really doesn't. This gets back to my earlier post: things only have value when we project value on them. I might place one value on an item and someone else could place a completely different value on the same item. It's all just one big consensual illusion. I also found out that selling things takes a lot more energy than I expected. This last week exhausted me. I think this will make me really cautious about bringing new things into my life. It does make the thought of just giving many things to the charity shops look really appealing right now. I just hope I can get reasonable money for the few big things that are left.

But there looks like there might be sunshine poking through the clouds. The estate agent helping me has found two more apartments that might be the best yet. They are in Meguro ward and look to have all the things that I'm looking for. I'm looking very forward to seeing these apartments. I just hope they remain available until I can arrive. I think I would really enjoy living in Setagaya or Meguro wards. I think it will be more residential, but there will be plenty of train stations along the route to work where I can do shopping and go to nice restaurants.

As I was thinking about this, it is almost an inverting of my situation in England. I'm living in Cambridge right now close to the train station and right off a big shopping street and I work out in the country. If I do end up living in Meguro I will be living in a more residential area and working in a more industrial and city area. But even these residential areas don't look like American suburbs or English villages. I just don't sense that there will be that sense of isolation and 'needing a car to do anything'. In both America and England one needs to drive in a car for at least 10-15 minutes to get groceries or pick up anything. I just don't sense Japan will have this kind of isolation in the residential areas especially when the closest train station might be only a 9 minute walk away. I guess that is the fundamental difference between a city person and a country person. A city person doesn't want the isolation while a country person might actually appreciate that isolation.

I think I am going to really like living and working in Tokyo/Yokohama.

End of February

It's the last day of February and for some reason I'm breaking my 'Sunday morning' tradition of posting. I have to make this short though.

It looks like (knock on wood) that the last pieces of the puzzle are falling into place. RIKEN will be able to help me get an independent apartment. All my paperwork is in process. I have an idea of how I'm going to move my stuff. I've almost found an apartment (via the internet). I have a plan on how to get Bonkers to Japan. And I've almost sold all my stuff. Another couple weeks and I should have all the important parts covered.

And it looks like my work visa might be a bit late so I probably won't be able to go to Japan until the middle of April and start work officially on May 1. But after the disaster that was 2006, I really need a month of no work.

So as February 2007 comes to a close I'm looking forward to a more relaxed March.

Jessica

Eye of the storm

Not a lot happened this last week. This definitely feels like the eye of a storm. Huge amounts of swirling happened in early February and I'm certain there will be just as much chaos and change happening in March and April. I am slowly selling off (or gifting) as many of my possessions which no longer hold value to me. It really is amazing what we call 'precious' when the time comes for harsh decisions. This process has taught me so much about desire and illusion. So much of what we desire are things that are out of our reach. Like I've always wanted some nice furniture and when I arrived in Cambridge I was able to afford to buy a very nice piece of 19th century rosewood furniture. I really love it and it adds a nice feel to my home. Buy I'm also realizing that the only value it has is the one I put on it. If I decide that I have to get rid of it, then my lack of interest in the piece would 'devalue' it and I couldn't sell it for what I paid for it. But if I don't really want to get rid of it, then my lingering desire will make the object more desirable to the next buyer and I will fetch more for it. Kind of like a primate who has caught a frog and is holding onto it very tightly (but not sure what to do with it) which attracts the attention of everyone else around them.

But this is showing me very clearly how materialism is such an illusion and how much market economies are completely based on creating desires within a population and then taking advantage of those desires to
stimulate trade and production. I just watched the movie 'Beyond Rangoon' last night (excellent movie) and there is scene where Patricia Arquette's character is in a market place and a man shows her a small bird in his hands and the bird looks so helpless. She buys the bird and lets it go and feels really good because she believes she has saved the bird from either a caged life or dinner. But as she walks away, the tradesman calls the bird back and it flies back into the cage which he pulled it from. She was perfectly happy buying the bird 'to set it free' and the tradesman knows this desire exists in some people and is just there to satisfy that desire. Most people don't see him calling the bird back so they are happy in their illusion of freeing the bird and are perfectly happy in what they paid for this feeling. We might call this 'taking advantage of people', but the desire (to free a caged bird) exists so how is this taking advantage of people. How different is this to spending $10 on a movie and the feelings that illusion give us. Or spending $100 on a meal in a posh restaurant and the feeling of exclusivity and importance that give us. It's all about desires. The economic world is just about understanding desires and wrapping desire around a product to either convince people they need it or to simply allow that desire to be expressed. I mean my 19th century antique chiffonier is just a hunk of old wood in the end once the desire surrounding it is dissipated.

The funny thing is that I know that we need this desire to drive us through life. It is the center of what makes us human. We can't loose that desire and passion. But we can channel it and become more aware of how we wield it. The trick is to try to understand our desires and crystallize them into purpose. But also know that too pure a desire is toxic and unhealthy. To find a healthy balance between too scattered and too focused.

Staring at my living room of chaos of 'stuff' scattered every which way, I now realize how unfocused my desires have been directed. I now truly understand the root of simplifying one's life. It isn't about letting go of earthly desires (as many religions encourage) but to see our desires in the full light of day and focus them in controlled release so that they are not dissipated frivolously.

Jessica

Japan visit

I've just uploaded some pictures from my January 2007 Japan visit onto my Flikr account. I wasn't there for very long, but I wanted to get a taste of several sides of Japan to make sure I was going to be ok in Japan. I've accepted a job with RIKEN in tsurumi-ku, Yokohama. So I spent one day wandering around the Tsurumi station area and visit Soji Temple. I spent another day at RIKEN (no pictures).

On the next day I went to the Minato Mirai 21 area of Yokohma.

And on my last day I visited Kamakura to get out of the city and see a bit of what a smaller town looks likes. Kamakura is often referred to as the country, but it is still a rather populated town. I'll be uploading more Kamakura pictures in a few days.

Small moves...

One of my favorite lines from the movie Contact.

All sorts of interesting things happening on the Japan front. It really is another 'trial by fire', but I think I need these. I think I've just learned a year of Japanese culture in the last couple days.

The short version is that I've been having all sorts of problems trying to find an apartment before I arrive (so I can bring my cat with me). A Japanese colleague and new friend has been helping me very much to try to understand this process. Well it turns out I must have my work visa in hand before I can fill in a lease agreement. I didn't know this and it was very hard to figure this out. It wasn't easy to find on the internet and other friends who lived in Japan were surprised. But the truth is that 99.9% of people would not rent an apartment over the internet or from photographs so they would wait till they arrived (with a work visa) and so they would't run into this.

So I need to wait till I get to Japan, I will need to find temporary housing for my cat in England, and I will likely need to let my Japanese colleagues guide me and help me through this process. So I am sad because I have to leave my 12 year old cat who has been with me since he was a kitten temporarily behind in England. I've found several apartments which will accept a foreigner and a cat so this gives me tremendous hope that I can find a nice place. But it also means that I need to trust that I can find another one in a few weeks after I get my work visa and I move to Japan. I also need to find a temporary home for my cat who would be willing to deal with an uncertain time frame (possibly 2 - 8 weeks).

But I have a feeling it will all work out right in the end.

Jessica

Choice...

It's been a long time since I last posted. I think it's time to approach this blog in a different way...

Choice. So I've just finished my third year in Cambridge England. The last year was one of the hardest I can remember in a very long time. Maybe it's because I'm 39, maybe it's England, maybe it's the culture where I work, maybe it's something else. But the truth is that this year killed my hopes and dreams, and it nearly snuffed my spirit. Details aren't important, but it was around my career and what I think my purpose is supposed to be. But in that Abyss, in that giving up, there was no despair, there was just calm and peace. And just like before I found myself again, that essence of self, the core. I'm not even sure how I did it this time. This must be my 4th Phoenix event in my life now. The others I was very aware of making a choice and finding a way out and around. This time it was almost a random thought. Japan.

Japan, where did that come from? But then all of a sudden things started to fall into place again. Threads through out my life pulling me to Japan, pointing me at Japan, making me wake up and notice when Japan is mentioned. They were all little things as I grew up, but the pull was always there. And my work over the last 3 years, I always noticed the Japanese connections, the excellent science, and certain names. And then I found the group doing this work, I saw their pictures and I knew I was supposed to be there with them. Then a job posting appeared. Why not apply, it can't hurt. Why not take a Japanese language course, I really wanted to do that at University but I didn't have time with all my majors, why not now. Then the email, interview, wow contract offer ... they want me to join them, they respect my work, I respect their work. Now I'm on the brink, yet again....

Choice.... There is a part of me that truly believes in the Fates and destiny. I'm sitting here on the brink of giving my word, of choosing to go or not, and I know in my soul that I've already made the choice. Everything about me, everything I know about myself, knows that there really isn't anything to stop me and that I am going to go. I've never been to Japan, I've only met these people on a video interview, I know almost no Japanese, but yet somehow I also know I need to do this. I'm going to go visit to see Yokohama, see the campus, meet everyone in person, walk around the city, but I also know that I will sign and set the wheels in motion. Just like The Fool I step blindly off the cliff into the future. But I also know that is the Way.

Choice... why would I stop this now? fear... That is the only thing which could hold me back, but I also know that my fears of cultural differences and not knowing the language don't actually scare me. Somehow I sense that after a couple months something will 'click' and the language and culture will just make sense. And a couple months of learning, challenge, and growth is something I need right now. So I know I will say yes and go.

If the choice isn't happening right now, then when did I really make the choice? Was it when I agreed to the interview? Was it when I sent my resume? Was it when I connected to Japan as a possibility? Was it when I gave up my dream? Was it when I realized this current career path had hit a dead end? Was it when changed jobs this year? Was it when I realized I needed to change positions on the campus? Or was it when I decided to come to England?

Knowing who I am, I look back on my 'choices' and I know that those really were the only decisions that I could have made. So if I couldn't possibly imagine myself not making all these choices, then are they really choices?

So here I am, about to uproot again. But this time feels different. Even the choice of coming to England was layered with other peoples dreams, and ideas. This just feels more like Destiny and less like choice. It really is coming completely from inside me. And once I acknowledged it, all of a sudden even more Japanese connections started to happen. So if all goes as I suspect, I will get an email in a couple days, I will fly to Japan for a short visit, I will fall in love with Yokohama and what little fears I have will disappear. A couple months of tying off loose ends, and then my cat Bonkers and I will move to Yokohama and the next big phase of my life will begin.

Back from Christmas

Wow it's been a long time since I last posted here. Just wanted to let anyone who does look at this to know that I'm still alive. I've set up a Flickr account to manage my photos so I will likely just link to those photos from now on.

Christmas was really nice and relaxing. I kept my plans very open and flexible and had a great time with my friends and family. Amazing but yet another year without snow at Christmas time in Wisconsin. We had lots of rain, but the temperature was just above freezing so it stayed rain. I got to meet my sisters new fiancee, Tony, who is really nice. I wish them a great life together.

The other big news is that I'm studying Japanese right now and applying for jobs in Japan. I thought my first attempt had failed and was ready to go for a long steady journey until I got a job offer. But then I received another email that I have a video interview scheduled for early January 2007. I won't post details until it's over, but wow!