Illusion and Construct

I think this must be a big year for me since the coming new year -Samhain- is approaching and I am having lots of thoughts. Last October I made my decision to leave England. This October I sense I am about to make a decision on whether to stay in Science or not. Which brings me to my thought - Illusion and Construct. It seems everyday I am more and more aware of the construct we call reality. What is normally referred to as "world view" or "paradigm". The foundation thoughts that shape our perception. I am also beginning to understand the idea of "crazy". I sense one who looses touch with the construct, who sees it, who steps out of it, is one who is likely to end up homeless, or crazy, or if they are lucky an oracle on the top of a mountain. But I also sense something else. What if someone can step out of the construct within themselves, but embrace the construct on their surface?

Like what I was saying in my last post about Gomi and the Japanese. It seems that the Japanese see all surface as gomi which has not been discarded. Not that it has value now and we realize later that it has outlived its use. But almost deeper. I sense that within the Japanese there is a deep anchor and that everything on the surface, the buildings, the clothing, the western habits, the fashions are all perceived inherently as temporary - as gomi which has not yet outlived its use. Or maybe this is just me, but living here has brought me to this thought so I thank the Japanese for it.

So I see at my work so much false construct, so many half steps. I can see more, I can see deeper. I can see their false assumptions and sense what will happen. And they have me building databases to store the fruits of their labor derived from their false assumptions. But I have come to realize that these assumptions are so deep that it is not a simple matter of "science" to prove my point. When I try to use their science to show them their errors, they think I don't know what I am talking about - or that I am ignorant or crazy. I feel a need to help, to correct, to shift things in the right direction, but NO ONE sees what I see.

So I sense the dream of my life is coming true. I have always believed that I exist to be part of the next paradigm shift. And I think I have come to realize that one can not shift a paradigm by showing them the new one. I think I need to chip and shatter the old. Like every process of rebirth, there is first the decent and then the rise. First the old must be stripped away, to within an inch of obliteration.

I must be the new paradigm on the inside and wear the old paradigm like gomi which has not yet outlived it use.

reflections

Why did I leave Cambridge? Why did I come to Tokyo?
I don't ask these questions out of regret or doubt, but I think this point will show me something about myself. I can't see it yet, but I sense something there.
I am reading William Gibson's Mona Lisa Overdrive and there was an interesting passage I read on the train ride home tonight. I love the synchronicity of my life. I quote and hope Gibson-san does not mind:

Gomi

Thirty-five percent of landmass of Tokyo was built on gomi, on level tracts reclaimed from the Bay through a century's systematic dumping. Gomi, there, was a resource to be managed, to be collected, sorted, carefully plowed under.

London's relationship to gomi was more subtle, more oblique. To Kumiko's eyes, the bulk of the city consisted of gomi, of structure the Japanese economy would long ago have devoured in its relentless hunger for space in which to build. Yet these structures revealed, even to Kumiko, the fabric of time, each wall patched by generations of hands in an ongoing task of restoration. The English valued their gomi in its own right, in a way she only begun to understand; they inhabited it.

Why? I had a very strong chance of getting into Cambridge University if I wanted to. I was working at one of the most prestigous institutes. I was reasonably well respected. But I felt empty. The country was a beautiful green, but the skies were so gray. When it was beautiful, it was unbelievable, but most of the time the weight of the centuries, the institutions, the country, the romans, the struggles, the ghosts, the people was too much. The English inhabit their gomi and their gomi fills them. It was everywhere. In every building, every road, every field, every back garden. But it was also in every single English person. For over 2000years the English have lived in the past. This is why they put so much energy into preserving their history. But oh it is so easy to be swayed by it, by the magnitude of that preservation and that focus. Yes I miss England, but I also know I am not one to live in the past. I know in my soul that the East is both more ancient and more alive, and it will be the future. It is my future.

So I cry a tear, I say goodbye, and I let go.

Time to till the gomi under and build a new.

the good, the bad, and the ugly

So today I had a very good chat with Sensei about some problems at work. He was in a very good mood and listened very well, and asked very good questions. We had a very good discussion. He promised to make some changes, and he understood what I said. A good moment of compromise. This particular path might actually move forward ok. But I also realized that some of the battles of late have drained a bit of my fire for work out of me. I don't quite seem to have the same drive and passion that I had before. But I also seem to have a bit more of a cold calculating air about myself. Similar thing happened at Sanger. I still did lots of work, but I also didn't just race race race. I was ok to let things dangle if people were being obnoxious. I think right now it is the practical side of me that I could code really hard for a week to try to speed up my system, or I could just let it run for the week and process the dataset. I will still do the development, but if the data is processed before the new code is in place, well then I can use it next time. A bit cold and calculating.

But the other side of this is that I am starting to get excited about doing things more outside of work: music, archery and golf. I went to a golf shop today and had them evaluate me to help me choose some clubs. I think I kind of impressed them. I had a group of the pro shop people watching me and encouraging me when I hit a good ball. They also checked my speed and power and a couple times they would make a 'wow' sound. I am too big and strong to fit into the Japanese ladies golf clubs so I will need unisex/mens clubs, and I fit right in the middle. But it also means no 'cheap' clubs. But I guess I am ok finally getting a properly fitted set of semi-professional clubs. They were so professional and did such a good job picking clubs, changing, refining, and so on, by the time we were getting to the end, the clubs were feeling very very good.

I don't want to give up my archery since I really love it and I did so well at it in England, but golf is huge in Japan with so many practice ranges and beautiful golf courses. I am really looking forward to taking a holiday at a nice golf resort in the countryside. So soon I sense I will be buying some golf clubs.

same same

As much as things change they also stay the same. So the things that motivated me to leave England are starting to stare me down again. No place to run, no place to hide. I think it is time I face this and hopefully move on. I do love Japan and I think doing this here will work better for me. I need a PhD to move on with my career and 95% of the process is going to be learning about playing the game someone elses way, subordination. It isn't about right/wrong or clever or even the science most of the time. It is about people and convincing people, and until one gets the credentials one is little more than an apprentice. As a friend said: if an professor thinks he could get his graduate students to pick up his dry cleaning he would.
But the end is that a PhD or any advanced degree is about suffering through a process where one must lean to tolerate people you hate, make alliances with people you don't care for, play the game, be extremely tough on the inside, and realize that you're probably going to break down several times over the course of several years... The advisor holds the cards, he makes up the game and the rules, and he can change it if he wants. Learning to respect authority for the sake of authority. I am such a free spirit this will be interesting.