Choice...

It's been a long time since I last posted. I think it's time to approach this blog in a different way...

Choice. So I've just finished my third year in Cambridge England. The last year was one of the hardest I can remember in a very long time. Maybe it's because I'm 39, maybe it's England, maybe it's the culture where I work, maybe it's something else. But the truth is that this year killed my hopes and dreams, and it nearly snuffed my spirit. Details aren't important, but it was around my career and what I think my purpose is supposed to be. But in that Abyss, in that giving up, there was no despair, there was just calm and peace. And just like before I found myself again, that essence of self, the core. I'm not even sure how I did it this time. This must be my 4th Phoenix event in my life now. The others I was very aware of making a choice and finding a way out and around. This time it was almost a random thought. Japan.

Japan, where did that come from? But then all of a sudden things started to fall into place again. Threads through out my life pulling me to Japan, pointing me at Japan, making me wake up and notice when Japan is mentioned. They were all little things as I grew up, but the pull was always there. And my work over the last 3 years, I always noticed the Japanese connections, the excellent science, and certain names. And then I found the group doing this work, I saw their pictures and I knew I was supposed to be there with them. Then a job posting appeared. Why not apply, it can't hurt. Why not take a Japanese language course, I really wanted to do that at University but I didn't have time with all my majors, why not now. Then the email, interview, wow contract offer ... they want me to join them, they respect my work, I respect their work. Now I'm on the brink, yet again....

Choice.... There is a part of me that truly believes in the Fates and destiny. I'm sitting here on the brink of giving my word, of choosing to go or not, and I know in my soul that I've already made the choice. Everything about me, everything I know about myself, knows that there really isn't anything to stop me and that I am going to go. I've never been to Japan, I've only met these people on a video interview, I know almost no Japanese, but yet somehow I also know I need to do this. I'm going to go visit to see Yokohama, see the campus, meet everyone in person, walk around the city, but I also know that I will sign and set the wheels in motion. Just like The Fool I step blindly off the cliff into the future. But I also know that is the Way.

Choice... why would I stop this now? fear... That is the only thing which could hold me back, but I also know that my fears of cultural differences and not knowing the language don't actually scare me. Somehow I sense that after a couple months something will 'click' and the language and culture will just make sense. And a couple months of learning, challenge, and growth is something I need right now. So I know I will say yes and go.

If the choice isn't happening right now, then when did I really make the choice? Was it when I agreed to the interview? Was it when I sent my resume? Was it when I connected to Japan as a possibility? Was it when I gave up my dream? Was it when I realized this current career path had hit a dead end? Was it when changed jobs this year? Was it when I realized I needed to change positions on the campus? Or was it when I decided to come to England?

Knowing who I am, I look back on my 'choices' and I know that those really were the only decisions that I could have made. So if I couldn't possibly imagine myself not making all these choices, then are they really choices?

So here I am, about to uproot again. But this time feels different. Even the choice of coming to England was layered with other peoples dreams, and ideas. This just feels more like Destiny and less like choice. It really is coming completely from inside me. And once I acknowledged it, all of a sudden even more Japanese connections started to happen. So if all goes as I suspect, I will get an email in a couple days, I will fly to Japan for a short visit, I will fall in love with Yokohama and what little fears I have will disappear. A couple months of tying off loose ends, and then my cat Bonkers and I will move to Yokohama and the next big phase of my life will begin.